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The Common Sense Lizard

🦎 Satire. The Common Sense Lizard is a fictional, endangered species. No fairies were harmed in the writing of this entry, though several were eaten.
Common name Common Sense Lizard
Scientific name Lacerta sensus communis
Size About the size of a house cat. Bigger in a crisis.
Field marks Engraved, crosshatched scales; small olive patrol cap; one slowly opening eye
Call Rarely heard. Its entire recorded vocabulary is one word: "Nope."
Diet Good Idea Fairies, exclusively
Status Endangered

Description

The Common Sense Lizard is the only known natural predator of the Good Idea Fairy. It hunts by ambush. It basks on a sun-warmed rock, a moderator's lectern or a stack of four parchment pages, apparently asleep, until a fairy flutters close with a clipboard. Then one eye opens, and with a single gulp the fairy is gone. Observers sometimes see a tiny hiccup of glitter afterward. The lizard does not apologize.

It's calm, patient and almost completely silent. Most of its communication is done with a side-eye that experienced NCOs say they recognize immediately.

Natural history (a field guide to habitat loss)

The New World (colonial era). The lizard was once abundant across the frontier and the New England town meetings, where any fairy proposing that every barn be painted Regulation Beige was promptly eaten. The colonists didn't even look up.

Philadelphia, 1787. The lizard found its ideal habitat: a written constitution of four parchment pages, with powers limited and enumerated. Over the hearth hung its faithful companion, the flintlock. (The signed Constitution really is four pages of parchment; see National Archives.)

The Progressive Era. A new breed of fairy appeared, nesting in commissions and certain it knew best. The lizard was gently nudged off the courthouse steps.

Petrograd, 1917. The Bolsheviks took a firmer line, and the lizard was declared an "enemy of the people." Results were not encouraging. (The label itself is real; see Russia 1917.)

The New Deal and the Great Society. Fairy populations exploded, each with its own set of initials. The lizard was last seen floating past on a saltine cracker in a pot of alphabet soup.

Today. Fairies breed unchecked in committees and feed on forms in triplicate. Their favorite word is "ban." Sightings of the lizard at city hall are now so rare that some researchers fear it is locally extinct.

Signs of hope

Confirmed sightings of the lizard continue among veterans, ranchers, small-business owners, homeschooling families, parish councils, and the folks behind the counter at your local gun shop. Ranger Lock the Jackalope of the Colofornia Dreaming Wildlife Service keeps watch from the tall grass with his binoculars.

How you can help: protect its habitat

  1. The Constitution: read it, carry it, and quote it at public comment.
  2. Local self-government: go to the meeting, because fairies count on you skipping it.
  3. The family.
  4. The church.
  5. Free markets.
  6. The armed citizen.

"Join the movement to save the Common Sense Lizard and prevent another generation from falling victim to the evil and corrupt 'intellectuals'."
(Colofornia Dreaming Public Service Announcement)

Coming soon: the animated PSA

The Common Sense Lizard: An Endangered Species PSA is in production, narrated in the style of a solemn nature documentary and introduced by Ranger Lock.